Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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