do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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