Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
