I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize