It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
