shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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