chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
