Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
