I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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