How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
