highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
