you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
