Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
