so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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