Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
