Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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