We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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