Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Randomize
