I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
