Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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