She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
