life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You were trust falling into bushes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
