It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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