Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
