he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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