Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
