i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
