I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
