omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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