Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
