You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
