It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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