I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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