Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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