His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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