Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
