party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
