life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
