hotel room ftw
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
do herpes really smell.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
