quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
