So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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