oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
