I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
