no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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