True but thats because hes a fetus.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
