hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
