fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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