Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
