The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
