Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
