Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
