Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
