this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
