Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Screwed.edu
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
