I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
