phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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